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Uncle Josh Rides a Bicycle


"...I'm going to recite to you a few of these Uncle Josh records that I used to memorize when I was a kid, my uncle had a machine and we used to memorize these record, so I'll recite a couple of these for you and you'll see what we had for a pastime when we was kids. The first one I'll recite would be 'Uncle Josh Rides a Bicycle'. I'll talk like Uncle Josh as near as I can.

He said 'Well gosh all hemlock, it seems that everybody in Punkin' Center was buying bicycles.' He said 'Jim Lawson had one, Hank Weaver had one, Rube Henry had one, Elijah Willin had one, and Daken Witherspoon had one, and Nancy said in order to keep up with society I would have to learn to ride bicycles. Well, I'm told that in order to keep peace in the family that I would learn. Well sir, I wished you'd have been there when I commenced. I got that gol-darned machine by the horns and I led it out in the middle of the road and I got on it sort of unconcerned like and I got off of it sort of unconcerned like. I went up in the air and I came down all over that bicycle; I fell on top of it, I fell in front of it, I fell behind it, I fell on both sides of it at the same time - I don't know how I ever done it but I did! I run my foot through the spokes, put about 150 punctures in a head spin (?), I sheared a horse and buggy and the tar off of the hind (?) wheel. I lost the lamp, I lost the clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my self respect; I broke the handle bars, I broke the sprocket, I broke the ten commandments and the ordinance against loud and abusive language. Well sir, once is enough for me! You can all ride your bicycles as want to but for my part I'd just as soon stand up and walk as to set down and walk. No more bicycles for your Uncle Josh, not if he knows it and your Uncle Josh calculates that how'd he do!..."